If you're interested in really knowing me, read this.

Today I realized that I have been engaged in a life long conversation with one woman; talk about needing to write a book! As she said this morning: "we should just tape our conversations". We talk while we do the dishes, driving from one place to another and waiting for airplanes. Basically, we have been holding each others hand through life since we were about five years old. Lately, we have been very busy talking about the book, The Untethered Soul. Today she helped me see that I live a heart wide open life. She held me, while I talked about how it's not a practice for me - even though it is a practice. Honestly, I think it's just how I'm wired. And so I get to experience so much of life unfiltered and I tend to give that unfiltered Pamela back to the world. There are very few compartments. My life is a blend of the personal and professional. I have to work hard at holding my own boundaries, while I care intensely about honoring the boundaries of the people in my life. I just have to understand them. Being impeccable with my word, trust and loyalty is a big thing for someone who lives with their heart wide open. The upside is that I get to "feel" a lot and isn't that glorious? Life for me is mostly like Dorothy setting out into Oz. It's in full color and that is awesome, delicious, vulnerable and sometimes EXTRAORDINARILY PAINFUL and scary! There can be trees filled with apples that throw them at you and call you names. When I joke that I'm a "Fucking Sensitive Flower", it's true. But it's so much better than having to open and close your heart all the time like a gate. I couldn't live that way; for me that would be way too exhausting and the armor that I would need would be too big and clunky- I prefer black lace. So, instead I am exploring D/s and the role Surrender has in my life. Feeling my fear and then releasing it. Sobbing and pounding - and letting go into it. We can't stuff our fear. We can't control the world. That is the practice for me. Facing my own insecurities. My own self doubts. And trying to let them be like tears. Let them come, wash over me and through me. As my beautiful friend said to me this morning, "Telling people to let go is such bullshit without a path." Thank you Lisa for our "life long conversation". For the mirror and for holding me to be the best that I can be. And for everyone that took the time to read this; I hope that there was something here for you. My path is one of a great big open heart, and allowing the world to unfold without me trying to create the outcomes that I think I need to feel safe, loved, appreciated and whole. It's fucking challenging. And that's my personal practice - my emotional push ups that I do every day. What's yours? Loving you from here, Pamela Madsen